Thinking of you as I walk through Webb State Park

Hi Girls,

It was a beautiful, sunny, and warm March day on Saturday, March 15th. I decided to take a break and take Ava for a walk down Webb State Park. I have taken you there before where we cooked marshmallows, bbq'd, and flew a kite. This is also the same spot where Kelly found the "heart" rock that I now keep with my on a shelf. Not sure if you recall going there in July 2010 with my church. I attached some pictures to remind you in case you forgot. The heart rock Kelly found is the bigger one standing up next to the believe sign.

 

Anyway, as always, when I am here, I think of you ... wishing you were with me ... enjoying the walk, weather, and water ... playing ball with Ava ... hiking the rocks ... looking for treasures or relics from the old Native American pastures ... or fossil hunting like we did in the past. 

I collected some pretty cool shells and rocks in hopes to be able to give them to you some day.  I also saw five heart rocks and two hearts in the clouds. I pray they are good signs that we will soon be reunited again. I can't even imagine how big you all have gotten and grown. It has been so long since I have seen you.  I attached some pictures for you to see that I took on Saturday. The pictures are at the bottom of this letter as there are seven of them. Hope you think they are pretty cool as I did.

I love you and miss you. There is not a minute of the day I do not think of you wishing we were together and being a part of each others lives. It is hard to believe it has been almost three years since I have seen you.

I want to see you. I wish I could see you. Unfortunately, I am prohibited at this time from going to your school, call you outside our very limited Wednesday night phone calls, or have you over my house whether for a short visit or even a sleep over as has been always the case since you moved out from your family home on September 9, 2007.

I do not want you to grow up thinking there is anything you did wrong or that there is something wrong with you that I am not in your life.   I do not want you to think that I have not tried to do everything in my ability to be a part of your lives. I have. Unfortunately, outside forces are deliberately keeping us apart and that saddens me.  Me not being in your life is not in my control and that saddens me. If I had any say so, I would see you every day, volunteer at your school like I use to, make stuff, go on some adventures, teach you important perils of life, and do some fun things together.

Know I love you ... Never doubt that

Know I want to see you and be with you ... Never doubt that

All my love

Your Mother
xoxoxoxoxxo

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Been Trying To Call You

Hi girls,

Been trying to reach you by phone for our weekly call for a while now, and left some messages for you. I hope everything is ok with you as I haven't spoken to you in a several weeks now.

I do not want you to think I haven't tried calling you, because I have. I hope you are getting my messages that I called you.

I miss you all terribly. I wish I could see you. I wish I could speak with you. I wish I could give you a big hug, and hold you tight and tell you how much I love you and miss you.

Know you are all in my heart no matter what anyone tries to tell you differently.

All my love always,
Mom
xoxoxo

Happy 13th Birthday Shannon

My dear Shannon,

Amazing how quickly time passes by. It has taken me a couple days to write this note to you because I miss you terribly and my heart breaks every day that I do not see you and be a part of your life building life long mother daughter memories together. We use to do so much together this time of year especially because your birthday was close to 
Halloween.

You turned a sweet 13 on Saturday. Wow. How quickly time passes. You are officially a teenager now. I recall what I thought were those adult like grown-up feelings. It's very exciting. Yet with that comes more responsibility.  I know you are growing up to be a very responsible young lady, but with each mile stone you take on more.

Don't rush to grow up so fast. You will someday wish you were child like again.

You are very special Shannon and have overcome so much in you life so far. I can not begin to tell you how proud I am of you. You have over come so many health challenges which I wrote about here if you would like to read it. 

Most of all, miss your hugs. Wish I was able to celebrate Halloween today with you and your birthday.  We had so much fun dressing up, playing w hair and make up, and coming up with costume ideas and getting the house ready for trick or treaters. We had one of the most decorated houses in our town. Not sure if you remember. 

I wish I was able to build more fond memories together. Unfortunately,  I have many obstacles in my way preventing me from doing that.

Know this ... I love you ... I miss you ... Me not being being able to see you, put my arms around you and love as any other mother would do is not my choice. 

Happy 13th Birthday beautiful girl. Have a wonderful night trick or treating. 
Stay safe.

All my love always,
Your mother

Happy 10th Birthday Kelly

To my precious Kelly,

Today is a big day for you. My baby turns 10!!! You came into this world kicking and screaming at 11:44am today ten years ago. How fast time flies by. You had made your strength, tenacity,  and independent personality known even while you were in my belly. You spent the last two weeks in my belly trying to kick your way through to this side of life, but every day I went to the hospital,  I was sent home. What some may see as a challenge, I saw the birth of my baby girl who some day will be self sufficient, strong, and independent.  I was very happy and grateful.

You are a blessing to us. We love and miss you very much.  We wish we were allowed to share in your joys, triumphs,  sadness, sickness, school trips, projects, etc, but sadly we are not allowed to be a part of your life. I am very sorry I have not participated in life with you.

Know I miss you and love you deeply. Know I have done everything possible to try to protect you from harm and be in your life to share in building memories together. Know I wish I was allowed to spend this special day with you in celebration.

All I can do at this moment,  is to continue to write to you, and hope for some day that we are reunited and can once again share in life's experiences together.

Happy 10th Birthday baby girl.

All my love as always,
Your Mother

Happy First Day of School

Hi girls,

As you set up your first day back to school, a new adventure begins. It's a new year and a new beginning for you you. Many great exciting things await you. So focus on that.

As I scroll through facebook today,  seeing all the proud parents post pictures of their children's first day back,  I am stricken with saddeness. I am saddened that I am not able to share in this big day with you and reminded that this is the 6th school year I am been denied sharing with you. My heart yearns for you and all the great things we have missed out on over the years. All I have are the memories to cherish before you were taken away by your father in September 2007.

I want to wish my babies a good safe first day of school today. ... that is assuming you start today not next
week.

I miss you and love you and hope to speak to you this evening.

All my love always,
Your Mother
xoxoxo

Happy Sweet 16th Alexandria

To my sweet 16 daughter,

Today is your sweet 16th birthday. 

You are an amazing daughter with a lot of compassion.  You have amazed me ans impressed me with who you are.

At age 3, I remember when your sister was born, you were so eager to hold your newborn sister and nuture her.

You were mom's perfect little helper when your sister was sick wanting to help care for her including assistance wirh diapers to feeding. You will be a wonderful mom some day.

I remember going to pick you up at pre-school and I was surrounded by many teachers thinking and wondering what trouble you got into. Only to be amazed by your teachers inquiring what I was teaching you at home because they did an exercise on what you want to be when you grow up, and you said millionaire.  I told them, I wanted to teach you the value of money and that money is earned. You recall how we did that using 2L bottles?

I remembered when you designed greeting card line to benefit Katrina victims. I was so proud of you.
I also remember when you used to help rescue many animals. One in particular was named baby Hope, a newborn field mouse. You would come in my room at all hours of the night to make sure I fed Baby Hope and that she was ok.
I also remember the day you asked to go around our neighborhood to collect donations for hospice and even asked if you could have a contest w your sister to see who can raise more.
Then, when your sister almost lost her toe, you stepped up and held your sister's foot together in your lap while in route to the ER. You were sooooo amazing. A hero to your little sister.
I am very proud of you Ally. I miss you very much. My heart breaks every day that I don't see you.
I pray some day you will come to know I did everything possible to try to be with you girls.
I wish I was celebrating your 16th birthday today with you. It's a very special day and I hope you have a wonderful day today no matter what. I am proud of you and I love you very much.
Happy 16th Birthday
All my love always,
Your Mother

My love for you is eternal

As I sit here this morning girls preparing to head to courthouse trying to relax my nerves as what the system has done to tear us apart and destroy our family has been extremely difficult for me.

Your father asked the courts to incarcerate me again last week on July 10th.  This is despite my compliance with the court's requests to the best of my ability despite my financial limitations.  He refused 100% of what I offered the courts including the 100% proceeds (after fees and taxes and penalties) from Alexandria's educational account and my IRA that he got the court to liquidate and then stated "the only way she will learn her lesson is to incarcerate her".

However, I saw this picture today and it rang true.

Nothing and NO one has the power to take away the love I have for my three daughters. NO amounts of threats, deterrents, or abuse will ever change that.
You girls give me strength to carry on and be the kind of mother you deserve.

I love you. No one can change that. Ever!