Merry Christmas My Babies

To my beautiful babies, 

 

It's Christmas eve 2014 and I attempted to call you this evening to wish you Merry Christmas and hear your beautiful voices as I am allowed  by the courts. 

 

I was very excited and looking forward to speaking with you and hearing bout your week. I was looking forward to seeing what Santa might be bringing you for Christmas and your plansfor the holidays.

 

However, sadly I am only allowed to call your father's cell phone number to reach you, and no one answered the call. I did leave you a message. i waited for a return call, and since you girls have told me in the past you do not receive my messages that I leave you, I followed up with a text message to let you know that I called you. I pray you have gotten both my messages and that you know you were in my thoughts during these holidays.

 

This was the last time I or anyone in my entire family spent Christmas with you in our house in Plympton in 2006. I hope you remember that year, and you remember the wonderful Christmas we spent together despite obstacles we endured.

 

Someday, you girls will know the truth and I have all the documentation to show what I have done to fight for you and what it has cost me to try to be with you.  

 

 

All I want for you girls is to be happy. I wish we could spend one of these holidays together, and have a normal mother daughter relationship without a vicious vindictive selfish control of another person who has done everything in their power to try to erase me and your entire family on my side from your memory and very existence.  

I feel absolutely powerless to do anything to stop the continuation of this. 

Just know that I love you, & I miss you, & I am doing everything I possibly can with in my power to try to be with you and to have some sort of normal relationship with you. If you have only known what I have gone through to try to make that happen, maybe you would understand. And if you don't, then I ask for your forgiveness for failing you. 

I love you very much. We share a bond that noone can break. We need to keep the faith that someday, we will be reunited once again. Someday, no one will have the power over to to stop you from seeing me or anyone else. 

I look forward to that day. This has become my new motto: "As each day passes, we are one day closer."

Merry Christmas.

All my love ALWAYS, 

Your Mother

xoxoxoxoxo

 

My love for you never dies

Happy 14th Birthday Shannon

To my beautiful Shannon,

 

It is hard to believe 14 years have passed.  You are a beautiful human being, Shannon,  with a generous compassionate soul. I am super proud of you.

 

I remember when you almost lost her toe at the age of 5. Your big sister, Alexandria, stepped up to the plate to help. She comforted you and held your foot together in her lap while in route to the emergency room. She was sooooo amazing with you. She made me proud that day. I remember the question you asked me that day too. Do you recall?

 

You said,  "Mommy is it gonna hurt". Do you remember what I said?... I said, "Shannon,  I want you to remember one thing. I want you to remember that no matter what I will always tell you the truth. No matter what. No matter how much it hurts. I will always tell you the truth. You need to know that. So as far as your toe, it is going to hurt, and the doctors are going to give you medicine so it doesn't hurt anymore."

 

Shannon, my stance still remains. That no matter what, I will always tell you the truth. There is nothing more important than open honesty. Without it, there is no trust.

 

I also remember another time when we were raising money for hospice. I remember how you and your sisters came to me and asked me if you can go around the neighborhood to ask the neighbors for donations for the walk for hospice. I remember how you wanted to compete with your older sister for who can raise more money. I will never forget that day and how proud you made me feel to be your mother.

 

I wish I knew how big and beautiful I know you are now. I love you Shanney and miss you deeply.  I only wish for your dreams to come true on your very special day today.  That's I want for you.

 

I do wish I was able to spend your special day with you. I miss that. I know we can't get back the years we have lost Shannon,  but I'm trying very hard to be in your future. I keep one motto alive, Shannon,  and that is "as each day passes, we are one day closer".  NO ONE can ever take away our bond unless we let them. There will be a day you are old enough to come see me on your own without being forced to stay away from me, and I look forward to that day everyday.

 

My heart breaks not having any contact with you whatsoever ... no phone, no email, no social media,  no visitations, no interactions at all. There are no words I can say to you that would rectify the problem. 

 

I pray every day for a miracle to change that. You need to know this to be true. I know your father tells you differently.  However, I'm a believer in karma, and a believer the truth will set you free. Some day you will be old enough to understand the pains and hell I went through to be with you ... to keep you safe ... to be in your life building life long mother daughter bonds and memories.  You will see the truth.

 

 

I truly hope one day you can forgive me for failing you ... failing to protect you ... failing to keep you safe ... failing to convince the family courts we belong in each other's lives ... failing to convince your father to stop his obsessive assaultive attacks on me, your grandfather,  and the rest of the family so you and I could have a normal mother daughter relationship. 

 

I am sorry you have been subjected to the abuse and deprived of a loving mother daughter bond as well as a loving relationship with the rest of your mother's entire side of the family as well as extended family like Auntie Beth, Hannah,  Auntie Vickie,  and Auntie Joyce . I did everything I could, I wish things were different and I had the assets.  Remember not everything you hear or see can be believed. You are smart Shannon. Time will bring forth truth and heal all wounds.

 

 

For now, all I wish is for you to know I'm thinking of you, praying you have a wonderful day, and that YOUR hopes and dreams come true not what someone else forces you to believe. 

 

I love you. Never doubt that.  I miss you. Never doubt that. 

Happy birthday sweetheart.

 

All my love ALWAYS,

Your Mother
xoxo

 

 

PS I asked your sister to make a card for me to give to you. I instructed her on what to say. Hope you got it since you never seem to receive any mail I send to you. 

 

Thinking of you as I walk through Webb State Park

Hi Girls,

It was a beautiful, sunny, and warm March day on Saturday, March 15th. I decided to take a break and take Ava for a walk down Webb State Park. I have taken you there before where we cooked marshmallows, bbq'd, and flew a kite. This is also the same spot where Kelly found the "heart" rock that I now keep with my on a shelf. Not sure if you recall going there in July 2010 with my church. I attached some pictures to remind you in case you forgot. The heart rock Kelly found is the bigger one standing up next to the believe sign.

 

Anyway, as always, when I am here, I think of you ... wishing you were with me ... enjoying the walk, weather, and water ... playing ball with Ava ... hiking the rocks ... looking for treasures or relics from the old Native American pastures ... or fossil hunting like we did in the past. 

I collected some pretty cool shells and rocks in hopes to be able to give them to you some day.  I also saw five heart rocks and two hearts in the clouds. I pray they are good signs that we will soon be reunited again. I can't even imagine how big you all have gotten and grown. It has been so long since I have seen you.  I attached some pictures for you to see that I took on Saturday. The pictures are at the bottom of this letter as there are seven of them. Hope you think they are pretty cool as I did.

I love you and miss you. There is not a minute of the day I do not think of you wishing we were together and being a part of each others lives. It is hard to believe it has been almost three years since I have seen you.

I want to see you. I wish I could see you. Unfortunately, I am prohibited at this time from going to your school, call you outside our very limited Wednesday night phone calls, or have you over my house whether for a short visit or even a sleep over as has been always the case since you moved out from your family home on September 9, 2007.

I do not want you to grow up thinking there is anything you did wrong or that there is something wrong with you that I am not in your life.   I do not want you to think that I have not tried to do everything in my ability to be a part of your lives. I have. Unfortunately, outside forces are deliberately keeping us apart and that saddens me.  Me not being in your life is not in my control and that saddens me. If I had any say so, I would see you every day, volunteer at your school like I use to, make stuff, go on some adventures, teach you important perils of life, and do some fun things together.

Know I love you ... Never doubt that

Know I want to see you and be with you ... Never doubt that

All my love

Your Mother
xoxoxoxoxxo

.

Been Trying To Call You

Hi girls,

Been trying to reach you by phone for our weekly call for a while now, and left some messages for you. I hope everything is ok with you as I haven't spoken to you in a several weeks now.

I do not want you to think I haven't tried calling you, because I have. I hope you are getting my messages that I called you.

I miss you all terribly. I wish I could see you. I wish I could speak with you. I wish I could give you a big hug, and hold you tight and tell you how much I love you and miss you.

Know you are all in my heart no matter what anyone tries to tell you differently.

All my love always,
Mom
xoxoxo

Happy 13th Birthday Shannon

My dear Shannon,

Amazing how quickly time passes by. It has taken me a couple days to write this note to you because I miss you terribly and my heart breaks every day that I do not see you and be a part of your life building life long mother daughter memories together. We use to do so much together this time of year especially because your birthday was close to 
Halloween.

You turned a sweet 13 on Saturday. Wow. How quickly time passes. You are officially a teenager now. I recall what I thought were those adult like grown-up feelings. It's very exciting. Yet with that comes more responsibility.  I know you are growing up to be a very responsible young lady, but with each mile stone you take on more.

Don't rush to grow up so fast. You will someday wish you were child like again.

You are very special Shannon and have overcome so much in you life so far. I can not begin to tell you how proud I am of you. You have over come so many health challenges which I wrote about here if you would like to read it. 

Most of all, miss your hugs. Wish I was able to celebrate Halloween today with you and your birthday.  We had so much fun dressing up, playing w hair and make up, and coming up with costume ideas and getting the house ready for trick or treaters. We had one of the most decorated houses in our town. Not sure if you remember. 

I wish I was able to build more fond memories together. Unfortunately,  I have many obstacles in my way preventing me from doing that.

Know this ... I love you ... I miss you ... Me not being being able to see you, put my arms around you and love as any other mother would do is not my choice. 

Happy 13th Birthday beautiful girl. Have a wonderful night trick or treating. 
Stay safe.

All my love always,
Your mother

Happy 10th Birthday Kelly

To my precious Kelly,

Today is a big day for you. My baby turns 10!!! You came into this world kicking and screaming at 11:44am today ten years ago. How fast time flies by. You had made your strength, tenacity,  and independent personality known even while you were in my belly. You spent the last two weeks in my belly trying to kick your way through to this side of life, but every day I went to the hospital,  I was sent home. What some may see as a challenge, I saw the birth of my baby girl who some day will be self sufficient, strong, and independent.  I was very happy and grateful.

You are a blessing to us. We love and miss you very much.  We wish we were allowed to share in your joys, triumphs,  sadness, sickness, school trips, projects, etc, but sadly we are not allowed to be a part of your life. I am very sorry I have not participated in life with you.

Know I miss you and love you deeply. Know I have done everything possible to try to protect you from harm and be in your life to share in building memories together. Know I wish I was allowed to spend this special day with you in celebration.

All I can do at this moment,  is to continue to write to you, and hope for some day that we are reunited and can once again share in life's experiences together.

Happy 10th Birthday baby girl.

All my love as always,
Your Mother

Happy First Day of School

Hi girls,

As you set up your first day back to school, a new adventure begins. It's a new year and a new beginning for you you. Many great exciting things await you. So focus on that.

As I scroll through facebook today,  seeing all the proud parents post pictures of their children's first day back,  I am stricken with saddeness. I am saddened that I am not able to share in this big day with you and reminded that this is the 6th school year I am been denied sharing with you. My heart yearns for you and all the great things we have missed out on over the years. All I have are the memories to cherish before you were taken away by your father in September 2007.

I want to wish my babies a good safe first day of school today. ... that is assuming you start today not next
week.

I miss you and love you and hope to speak to you this evening.

All my love always,
Your Mother
xoxoxo